Helpful Tips for Second Marriages
and Blended Families
By Darren and Donna McNees

Forget about what you have heard. Don't give it another thought! You are not a statistic; you are a person who has a free will to make your own choices. You determine the quality of your marriage not some study or report. Stop thinking about what negative could happen and start focusing on what you want to happen in your life.

It is critically important that you focus on only positive things and eliminate negative thought as soon as it enters your mind. This is true because you tend to receive what you focus on the most. Think about the possibilities of divorce and you have a good chance of getting one. Focus on what you can do to achieve an awesome marriage and you will end up with one. 

Don't sow negative thoughts of divorce into your life. Instead meditate on the kind of marriage that you want and believe that what you envision will take place.

Stop living with guilt or regret. It will do nothing but dim the intensity of your happiness. There is not one person reading this article who has not made mistakes. If there are things that you have done in your past that you wish you hadn't - that means you're normal. Learn from the past, but don't live there.

How to make your second marriage work
All of the principles that we teach in The 21 Day Marriage Makeover are just as relevant to second marriages as they are for first marriages. In a second marriage, however, you must pay extra attention to certain principles and work a little harder in some areas. But the end result of having an awesome marriage is still very achievable.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce is Serious Business
For most people divorce is an extremely difficult experience. The University of Washington conducted a study and then categorized the top forty-two stress-causing events and found the top four in order of magnitude to be:

1. The death of a spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital separation
4. The death of a close family member

Divorce was found to be even more stressful than the death of a close family member. Unlike the death of a close family member, there is no funeral or scores of people offering their condolences. Similar to death there needs to be a grieving process.

Everyone knows and accepts the fact that people who lose loved ones grieve. But very few people know how to react to their own divorce or the divorce of others. People tend to downgrade divorce's impact on their lives and the lives of others. However, the emotional impact of divorce is serious business.

We were recently in a conversation with a man who informed us that he was currently going through a divorce. Our reaction was, "I’m sorry to hear that." His response was, "Don't be, it's a good thing." In some cases divorce is even celebrated. Fellow workers at the office may gather around the person whose divorce was just finalized, congratulate him or her and give each other high-fives.

Divorce is a loss. You lost a piece of your heart that needs healing. Unfortunately, time doesn't heal all wounds. Often times you need to take an active role in your recovery. You need to make sure that you have allowed yourself to heal emotionally. If you don't, your relationship with your new spouse will suffer.

According to the TLC Group in Dallas Texas, "Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical and sociological problems and contribute to family dysfunction across generations."

The missing ingredient
The different stages of grief vary from one expert to the next. We have seen anywhere from 3 to 20 stages of grief identified. The most popular being the 5 stages of grief made popular by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book entitled, "On Death and Dying." These five stages include; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She recognized this as the process dying patient's experience when informed of their terminal prognosis. These stages aren’t necessarily a perfect fit when it comes to the grief brought on by loss.

Grief professionals today often use the acronym TEAR to explain the process:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

In all of the grief studies that we have seen, we found that there is a very important stage that is missing. This stage is extremely important when it come to divorce. It may be the missing ingredient that you need to complete the grieving process. That stage is forgiveness.

If you are harboring bitterness, hatred or unforgiveness toward your ex, then your current relationship will suffer. You must forgive your ex - there are no exceptions. Forgiveness is not to condone or excuse but rather to give up your resentful or vengeful feelings toward another. Unforgiveness only harms the one holding onto it. It is an emotional prison keeping you from the full enjoyment of life. 

As mentioned earlier, you may feel guilty and need to forgive yourself. Either way, forgive, put it behind you and let the healing begin.

Blended Families
Blended families are a very complex subject and we will only be able to scratch the surface on a few common topics.

Living in a blended family is tough. It is tough for you, your spouse, your children and your spouse's children. Everyone takes part in the stress. Your scenario more than perhaps any other, requires the most attention, cooperation and effort in order to achieve a balanced and fulfilling marriage.

There are several areas within a marriage where the husband and wife don't have to be in full agreement for everything to work out fine. Those areas are few and far between in a blended family especially when it comes to issues involving the children. If you are not united in this area, then your marriage has a slim chance at success. This article will address the following:

1. The children's feelings

2. Your spouse's feelings

3. Absolute agreement - a united front

4. House rules

5. Who administers the discipline

The children's feelings
As mentioned earlier, divorce is tough on children. They may even become rebellious or hardheaded. To one extent or the other, the parents chose to get divorced. The children didn't and they feel helpless and forced into a situation that they never agreed to. In many cases their consistency and stability has been taken away from them.

If you feel the stress of living in a blended family, possibly being pulled in two different directions, think about how your children must feel. You chose to get re-married and live in a new environment, they didn't.

This fact often causes the parent to feel guilty and want to overcompensate in other areas. One area can be overindulgence where the child is given almost anything that he or she wants without consideration as to how this treatment will effect his or her development. The overindulgence can be in the form of possessions, food, almost anything. Another common area is the lack of discipline. The parent may think that not disciplining his or her child will in some way make up for the emotional trauma caused by divorce.

Unfortunately, both of these cases can lead to trouble.

First - the overindulgent and/or undisciplined child will grow up to become an overindulgent and/or undisciplined adult. Many will drift through life with no direction. Some will even move back in with you when the are in their late twenties early thirties.

Second - This treatment causes serious problems between husband and wife because one spouse sees the error of this treatment and feels helpless to correct it. Also, one partner may discipline his or her spouse's children but not his or her own. This is a slippery slope that unless addressed and corrected quickly will only lead to disaster.

Children need discipline; as a matter of fact they want it (even though they would never admit it). Rules and discipline create some of the structure and stability that children need in their lives. Especially children who have lost some of their structure and stability because of divorce.

Your spouse's feelings
In a family, your spouse must come first. Not your job, not your hobbies or interests, not your friends, not your parents or other family members, not even you children. Your spouse needs to come first. This is true in a first marriage and it is also true for second marriages. If your spouse doesn't come first, your marriage will suffer.

This is especially true when it comes to issues concerning child rearing. It is not uncommon for a parent to place his or her own children's interests ahead of that of his or her spouse or his or her spouse's children. There might even be a dual standard where one set of children is treated very differently than the other set. One receives strict discipline while the other is allowed to run wild.

This kind of unequal treatment is certain to lead to arguments, fights, and if not resolved, the break-up of your marriage. If your partner is complaining about how unfairly his or her children are being treated - LISTEN to them. Hear their point of view and come up with a scenario that you both can agree to.

Ignoring your partner's requests/complaints is like telling him or her that you really don't care about his or her feelings. This uncooperative insensitive attitude will in the end cost you another marriage. One that could have been great if only you had put your spouse and his or her feelings first.

Absolute agreement - a united front
If you and your spouse are in disagreement as to how your collective children should be raised, then you need to come to an absolute agreement as soon as possible. As the old proverb states, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

Make sure that you are both ready and willing to have a peaceful discussion, otherwise, reschedule your meeting for another time. This means that you need to sit down together and listen (without interruption) to each other's point of view. Like Stephen Covey talks about in his wonderful book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." After each point, repeat back to your partner what you thought they just said. This shows that you were truly listening (and not just thinking about what you would say next) and it eliminates misunderstandings.

Write down all of the areas of disagreement - both the rules and the punishment for breaking the rules. Once you have identified every area of disagreement and have listened to your partner's point of view, then it is time to find a solution.

Take each topic and "brain storm" with each other. Take turns and write down every suggestion. Don't interrupt, disagree with or belittle any of the suggestions. This should be a free flow of information, don't block the flow by putting in your two cents.

Once you have both voiced your suggestions on the subject, go over the list and pick the solution that you both can absolutely agree with. If you can't come to an absolute agreement on a topic, skip it and move on. Don't get into an argument. There is an answer out there that you both will agree with and you may need to think about it for a few days.

House rules
You and your spouse form a united front the moment you come to an absolute agreement. This united front leads to the creation of "house rules." These are not "mom's" rules or "dad's" rules; these are the house rules. House rules are the ones that everyone who enters the house must abide by. No exceptions. Once you and your partner formalize your house rules, it is time for a family meeting. Sit down with everyone and let them know that you came up will a list of house rules that you both are in complete agreement with. Let them know that "everyone" will have to adhere to these rules from this point on. Also, it is important that your children also know the punishment for breaking the rules. Example - if curfew is 10:00 PM and they get home at 11:00 - they will be grounded for a week.

If your children are of reading age, give them a copy of the house rules with their name on top that they can hang in their bedroom. Go over each item and ask if they have any questions.

Who administers the discipline?
This is another area that you both have to agree on. In the beginning, it may be best if you carry out the discipline with your children and your spouse carries out the discipline with his or her children. Same rules - same discipline. Everyone is treated fairly.